My Brother-in-Law Trevor

 On the 10^th December I received the news that my Brother In Law – Trevor had died of a catastrophic brain haemorrhage.

It is now ten months on and after speaking to my sister to check she was okay with it, I have decided to write a blog dedicated to Trevor. 

Many people can vouch that I am not the best at remembering dates etc, so those that knew Trevor and read this need to know it is written with artistic licence when it comes to dates.

I was at primary school when Trevor started courting my sister. It was March 1977 when Trevor and my big sister (that’s big as in eldest not size) were married and I was asked to be their bridesmaid.

 

Moving on 5 years I went to stay with Trevor and my sister (GAL) who gave me a quiet place with no distractions to be in while I revised for my O’Levels (for you younger people that’s GCSE’s). Until I moved away from home all my interaction with Trevor was done with my parents. I do think that I learnt from a very early age what a great tease he was, (but it was never done maliciously).  A brilliant sense of humour and one as I got older I really started to appreciate. That sense of humour came to the forefront a week before hubby and I were due to get married, we were at a family gathering and Trevor took hubby and my other brother in law to one side and said to hubby with a rye smile “look at our faces, look at all the people surrounding you are you sure you really want to do this?!”. Thankfully hubby had also got used to Trevor’s sense of humour.

In September of 1998 Trevor invited both SMD (who was just 4 months old) and myself for a few days away with him and GAL while hubby was working.  We went to the flat which was owned by Wates the company Trevor worked for based in Salcombe. Unfortunately that was in the days before smart phones, those of us who were lucky enough to have a mobile might have had a good old Nokia 5110. The only picture I have of our time away was taken by GAL and is of SMD and I.

 

The Dean Team became very busy with life especially now that I was living with MS and working, if I look back over the past 20 years we did not spend enough time with Trevor and GAL. We did of course have a close bond over MS both GAL and myself had the physical diagnosis (I tell people my big sister has MS while she tells people my little sister has MS). While both hubby and Trevor took comfort in knowing there was a close family member that knew exactly what they were facing with daily life, quite often at family gatherings hubby and Trevor would ensure they made time to check in with one another by chatting all things MS and the general well-being of each other.

 

I asked SMD when I knew I was going to write this blog of her memories of Trevor and she told me steps, puddings, sense of humour and pride. I remember about 15 years ago GAL was in hospital we had been to see her and then went on to supper with Trevor at Lang Towers (Grovelands Road). SMD was so excited as it was Christmas but I remember her turning round to hubby and asking “why does Uncle Trevor have to live in a house with so many steps before you get to the front door and why is the front door on the same level as the garage roof?” It was just before Christmas and Trevor asked SMD if she would decorate their Christmas Tree which was in the dining room or as Trevor used to call it the West Wing. Trevor cooked SMD’s favourite spag bol and then SMD’s eyes were out on stalks as he bought out his homemade Pavlova which was his speciality. What a lovely evening and typical of Trevor, his wife was in hospital but he still wanted to provide a meal for us and carry on as nothing is too much trouble.

  

The years rolled by and there were many significant family events including Trevor and GAL moving to a bungalow which had been adapted to meet their needs. The bungalow was in Farnham and they called it Langford (Trevor’s surname Lang and GAL’s maiden name Ford). Trevor and GAL celebrated their Ruby Wedding Anniversary with a party at their home for friends and family.

 

 

In more recent years Trevor was diagnosed to have Parkinson’s Disease, I do not know exactly when he received the diagnosis because in true Trevor style he thought about others before himself and kept quiet.  I really don’t think until the symptoms became obvious to others he told the wider family. He wanted to carry on with their daily life as usual, maybe one neurological illness was enough and he didn’t want to worry GAL and the family with his. Eventually he had to come clean as unfortunately the tremors became part of daily life and despite the medication it didn’t eradicate everything that Parkinson’s presents. I think Trevor’s attitude to life and years of experience of having MS in his life equipped him to deal with it, however personally I just wish as I know GAL does that he had accepted more support. Some might say he was stubborn but I prefer tenacious, he was a very proud man.

No one could have predicted what happened next as the global pandemic hit us all, thankfully none of my immediate family were struck down with Covid. I set up a weekly catch up video call with, my Sister’s, their Husband’s and of course my Dad, Trevor was able to bring his wit and charm which in turn brought a smile to everyone’s face. Thankfully hubby and Trevor were able to get the priority slots with Tesco because of both GAL and I having MS. My other Sister also got weekly slots by making sure at the stroke of midnight when the new slots were released she was able to book. We soon started our weekly chats ensuring everybody had their slot, we soon got on to the subject of what do you fill your shopping basket with to ensure you have secured your slot and before the shopping list has been written.  My younger Sister and I said we just made sure that we put higher valued items that we needed in to get over the £40, only Trevor could say “I just make sure I put 3 bottles of Champagne in, and then I will change it later to what I actually need”. 
It was only after he passed away and my two sisters were in the house together and the Tesco delivery came, the driver looked a little confused as he dropped off just 3 bottles of Champagne and nothing else! 

In August 2020 restrictions had started to lift and once again we were all able to get together and celebrate my Nephew’s 40^th Birthday. 

Just a few months later lockdown happened again, Trevor turned 70 and sadly we couldn’t get together. Then the unimaginable happened and Trevor passed away, restrictions meant only 17 people were allowed to the funeral. At least the service was live streamed and could be seen by many people. It was decided in July 2021 to hold a celebration of life gathering, but weeks before, the rules changed again and numbers were limited to how many people could attend and the whole event was cancelled.

Moving on to September 19^th and the event could take place at Guildford Waterside Centre, which is the home to Samson MS Centre and Wey Kayak Club. Trevor like my hubby was very involved with the MS Centre, in fact when I got talking to one of the members John Hambly he told me he first met Trevor back in the 70s pre MS Therapy Centre days but ARMS, (I might know about the history of ARMS but it was pre diagnosis for me). It couldn’t have been more perfect just over 70 people attended, family, friends, work colleagues alike all with many tales to tell. The afternoon was kicked off by David Kitchen, a Trustee of the Guildford Waterside Centre, welcoming everyone and giving a few personal reflections of the time he knew Trevor. It was a wonderful tribute, and although Trevor was a very modest man, one I think he would be very proud of.  The food was amazing made and prepared by the Barnes Clan. Family and friends of the centre served the delicious food. It was fitting that Trevors’ Sister and Nieces carried on the mantle and provided the outstanding puddings which of course included the legendary Pavlova and roulade.

 

 

A wonderful Truly fitting occasion and one that will be remembered by many, Trevor holds a special place in so many people’s hearts.

Obviously the past 10 months has been full of ups and downs for my big Sister but I am pleased to say she too has moved to Hayling Island and is now resident in a care home here.  Hopefully it won’t be too long before Trevor’s Sister and family come down to see us all and the invite has already been made to GAL when she gets her new WAV for the 3 of us to go and visit.

Trevor you will be missed by many.